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10.08.2015
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"There's nothing wrong with what you did and how you reacted, Rebecca. It all comes with experience." She says before putting her cup down and crossing her arms.
"I could tell you but I don't know how helpful it will be. Like I said they were special circumstances." She says.
"The first case was an experience I had with Jack's future self. Future versions of several agents showed up..."
Absinthe chuckles, figuring she could name them since it's likely Rebecca met or knew most of them.
"Jack, Jenni, Mathew, Silas and Dolly, if I remember correctly. Anyway, reason aside, my future self died and Jack felt responsible for it. Every mission I attended he refused to let me do anything he felt was risky. We didn't fight, really, but we did get on each other's nerves a bit. I refused to sit back and times where he should have focused on the task, he spent making sure I was safe. I think we let someone get away because of it."
"You're right. Those are very specific circumstances." She offers Abby a sheepish smile, but appreciates the summary nonetheless. She knew everyone at least by name except Dolly, but she doesn't ask about the other agent. Even if she wanted to, the fact that the person they were after got away keeps her focus and the expression fades.
"That would be rough." She couldn't imagine being caged in like that. It would defeat the purpose of being an agent if all you did was stay away. And yet, wasn't she the one who was worried? Would she have been in such a panic if she'd not been told about the destiny she presumably shared with Eric?
"The other time was about fifteen years ago. Left over from a past...mission I suppose; I had been caught in the middle of something and was uncomfortable with it being unfinished. Seeing as I had done a lot of harm, I was trying to atone for it any way I could. Unfortunately I posed a danger to those around me, so I didn't tell Jack what I was doing. Instead I cooperated with someone who had also been part of what happened...someone Jack didn't trust me to be alone with. For good reason of course, but I was hard headed."
She pauses there, trying to remember what happened and how to keep for saying too much.
"He came looking for me and found me taking care of my injured partner. And of course he became furious that I lied to him because I promised I would let him come with me. But I was afraid he would get hurt, and my partner wouldn't cooperate with me if he was around because of...many reasons. So it created a mess. He came to find me with a girl he had...history with. So I was angry about that. Then she made everyone fall asleep and took off with my partner and just like that everything I had worked for was gone. And I blamed him."
She smiles softly at Rebecca.
"The funny thing was, when we worked together and focused on protecting each other, everything went better. At least for a little while. We found a way to solve the problem while keeping each other alive, but two other people perished. If one of us had chosen to die, they might actually still be alive. Those other two. Or maybe the things that went wrong would have still gone wrong and the world would be a different place now. So while I mourn their loss, I don't regret my decisions."
As much as she may have questions, Rebecca lets Abby speak without interrupting. She's not sure how often the counselor gets to speak so much to other agents, herself. Maybe not in a professional sense. She nods at the end as the words that echo Eric's own stay with her.
"I have no idea how I would react in that situation," she admits after a few moments with a weak laugh. It's a lot to process.
"That's sort of what we came to an agreement on, I think. That the actions we took are ones we weren't sorry for, and that they'd already happened." She frowns a little. "I guess it's just different, the idea compared to the emotion of the situation, or thinking about it after.
"I guess I'm having trouble not regretting my decision, not completely. I feel like I could have done more, done better, even though the logical side of my brain says I did what I could and looking back won't change anything. That there's no way of knowing." She sips at the tea, taking a moment to herd her thoughts back into line before she continues repeating her earlier ramble.
It was a contrast from what she'd previously been taught at Paradigm, that focusing on each other instead of the mission was able to work for some, if only for a while. She wanted to be able to believe that, but it was difficult to work through. And yet there was that part of her that knew she'd have Eric's back as much as he had hers, or anyone else for that matter.
"I think a lot of that sort of thinking comes from an unrealistic expectation everyone has when they come here." Absinthe says, thinking over what Rebecca spoke.
"We think we could have done more because we join Paradigm with the idea that unlike other people, we'll stop things just in time. Like real heroes. But that's not the reality of it. If we think we can save everyone, then the moment we're made aware that something's wrong we've already failed. Something has to happen to someone before we're made aware of it, so following that logic we've already failed to save everyone involved. You have to rewire your thinking. We're here to try and stop what's happening, and even if we don't save everyone who was involved at the time, we can rest easy knowing no one else will get hurt because of the people we stopped."
Absinthe's expression betrays nothing as she remains completely neutral.
"You're never going to be satisfied with what you accomplished if you keep telling yourself you could have done more."
More silence from Rebecca, this time for quite a while as she listens and tries to process everything. Her own expectations, those of others, the reality of the situation the mission had given, and whether or not she's accepted it going into the raid, to name only a few.
"I guess." She takes a deep breath, eventually letting it out in a tired sigh.
"I know I can't save everyone. I know that's impossible. As much as we might try, we can't.
"But we also failed to stop them. One house discovered, but what? CLAW got away. We don't know anything about the genos other than they're psychic body snatchers. We still have other places that are probably doing the same thing and more homeless metas." No way was this the only shop.
"I know each of those is a separate problem to tackle on their own, but they stack up. Even just looking at the raid alone, what did we do?"
"You brought back a geno and two survivors that can be questioned for more information. We still have one man is custody that made the deal with Claw in the first place. That's four leads towards finding out where we can find Claw, not to mention we have one of Claw's leaders locked up as well."
Absinthe says without hesitation.
"You may not be doing anything about what we found at the moment, but that doesn't mean other people aren't. What your team accomplished was more than you're willing to take credit for."
Her enthusiasm sets some of Rebecca's tension at ease as she nods, carefully setting down the now empty cup. While there had been a couple of other things she thought she might tell the counselor, their conversation has convinced her of otherwise. It would work out. Somehow.
"So yeah, I guess that's life in a nutshell right now. Thanks for sharing some of your own experiences, too."
"I'm always happy to. I think when you kids hear about the stuff that brought us older agents to this point, you get a better sense of how things can work out."