Here Without You

The room was bright with early morning sunlight, pouring in from the window. She stood in the doorway, not sure how she got there, staring at him as he slept wrapped up in the quilt she had made him one day during the worst of the withdrawals, when the monster still had its claws deep in her soul. She vividly remembered the days and nights when she just needed something, anything, to keep her fingers busy. 

He finally stirred, turning those amber eyes up to stare at her. The smile that had touched her features since she opened her eyes faltered for a moment. How long had it been since he had looked at her? Her heart caught in her chest and squeezed.

"Hey," he whispered.

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes at the sound of his voice, heavy with sleep. "Hey," she whispered back, her voice cracking. 

He held out a hand for her. Instinct drove her to close the distance between them and she fell to her knees at his bedside, just so he wouldn't have to move. If he stood up, he might disappear. Leaning forward, she felt his fingers, real and warm, against the smoothness of her cheek. His smile finally drove her tears to tumble down her cheeks. "What's wrong?" he asked, softly. 

She gave a shake of her head, but that was never enough of an answer for him. His smile grew as he wiped away a tear from her cheek. "No," he reminded her. "That isn't how this works. What's wrong?"

"Just... Please never leave me again."

His fingers tensed against her cheek but his smile never dimmed. She could stare at it forever. He continued the light stroking of her cheek, trying to get her to look into his gaze. She couldn't bring herself to do it. "I have to, sis," he whispered, causing her to flinch. He gave a slow shake of his head. "I don't want to, but I have to. When you wake up, I'll still be gone." 

"Then I'll never wake up!" she demanded as a sob broke free from her chest. This man... She remembered him teaching her to ride a bike, showing her everything he knew. Living without him had been the single most painful experience of her life and she didn't know how to do it any longer. She felt like her throat was closing up and she simply could not look at him.

He remained silent, waiting. He had all eternity. He could wait as long as he needed to. Eventually, she was the one that broke. She lifted her gaze to see those shining amber eyes once more. While his look had softened, he still stared at her with nothing but kindness and affection.

"You have to," he told her softly. "You have people, now... people that will miss you. People you have to protect. You have friends, battle buddies, and a war to win." Neil was the only person to know of the war that raged within herself, so she didn't quite know what he was referring to. He didn't bother to elaborate, continuing on. "You have people that will never forget you, like you will never forget me. When it's your time, I'll still be here." 

Still, she wasn't ready for that. She couldn't imagine how it would feel, losing him all over again. She let out another wracking, deep sob. "No," she whispered. "They'll be fine without me." 

He chuckled softly, fingers escaping up into her chocolate hair that looked so much like his own. "No, they won't. You know how it felt when I died? Your friends... That's how they'll feel if they lose you."

The low blow was enough. She continued to cry softly, unable to look away from the way the sun danced across his features. It made him look young again, as if he had never seen the battles he had been thrust into. 

"How... how do I know?" she whimpered at long last, after a long, long moment of silence. 

His smile only grew at that question. 

"I'll be waiting for you, little sister. I promise. But only when it's finally your time, okay? So you can't die too soon. Because I won't be ready for you."