« Prev 1 2 3 4 Next » Reply Share Thread Facebook Twitter Tumblr LinkedIn MySpace Email Go to Previous Thread Next Thread Please make a selection first Author Topic: Checkup (Leif) (Read 1,198 times) Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 19:30:42 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Well, let me ask you. What keeps you going? 'Cause you're a piss poor liar, telling me you feel better." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 19:44:22 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top His poker face had obviously been weakened by the constant emotional bombardment he'd taken the past month. And he didn't miss that she'd dodged his question, but the return shot forced him to think about it. His focus had been all over the place lately. Why had he originally decided to do all of this? "This is the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life," he admitted, after a long moment. "If I weren't Paradigm, I'd be a freelance superhero instead." Almost everyone had told him the hero complex thing was unhealthy, but really, what else was there that kept him going? Especially now? "I want to help and protect people, and make the world a better place. I can't give up while there's people that need help, and evil that needs to be stopped." So... ever. As much as he wanted to. As much as right now, he was about as tired as she was. His soul was tired, even though he'd realised what he needed to reconnect with, the path he had to get back on. He tried to keep that out of his eyes, but apparently she could see right through him, so who knew how much luck he had. So much for not showing weakness. His look had a hint of curiosity, though. What did this have to do with him being 'entertaining'? Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 19:48:15 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top She snickered again, trying harder to hide it this time. It wasn't that she was laughing AT him so much as at his predicament. "And you wonder why you're depressed..." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 19:52:26 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top No he didn't, he knew exactly why he was depressed. That just wasn't what she asked him. "If you try to be a hero, you're going to fail, because you're setting LITERALLY mythic expectations for yourself." Memories of the first time they met aside, he kept looking at her, considering. Wondering. "Is that what's entertaining? You asked what's keeping me going." Not offended, just sounding as if he were trying to put together where everything fit. « Last Edit: Feb 21, 2016 19:53:56 GMT -6 by Aaron Silverman » Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 20:26:12 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Yes. That is what is entertaining. You act like you want somebody to help fix you but you refuse to help fix yourself. When you're drunk or high, you are easy to distract and figure out. When you're sober, it's like... talking to an entirely different person." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 20:33:24 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Wasn't everyone really different when drunk/high vs. sober? Leif sure seemed to be. Though he hadn't been aware that was how he was coming off. Great, he wants to help everyone else but apparently sounds like he's begging everyone to come fix him. He really needs to work harder on building that wall. Fuck, how had he let this turn into being about him? It wasn't supposed to be. "Sorry, didn't mean to," he managed to offer. Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 20:43:42 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "I don't think anybody MEANS to, man," she said with a shrug. "And who knows? Maybe nobody else pays close enough attention. But you still haven't answered my question. What's got you so glum, chum?" Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 21, 2016 21:05:39 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top On the one hand, she wouldn't ask if she didn't want to know, and he kind of wants to tell someone who might actually listen. On the other, hadn't he been thinking just before he was done telling people his problems, acting like his problems were worth caring about? What had telling people his problems gotten him? More problems. Worse problems. Besides, Sarah was right. The war, all the innocent people he needed to defend from the Empire, had to come first. He just hadn't been able to help it, all the pain and anger and jealousy had exploded out of him the moment he saw those two, the moment Jack had blocked him from controlling the detonation he knew was coming by asking to talk privately. He only half-remembered the blast, and now he had nothing. Now he was nothing. Nothing but what he could do for people. And his problems shouldn't matter anyway. He wasn't the one carrying around the memory of their own horrible death, be that from convulsing so hard their spine shattered or having their own blood cook them to death from the inside. He wasn't the abuse survivor, or the torture victim, or the kid in Belarus imprisoned for no reason, or the homeless man hungry on the street. He hadn't been taken into a cult and abused until he thought of his tormentor as God. He didn't have a whole spider web of scars all over his back. He hadn't been blown to pieces saving a bunch of little kids. Okay, he almost had, but still. Hadn't she just said, after all, that he gave off vibes of begging everyone to fix him? Even though his job is to fix others? Even though he came here to help her? It's tempting, though. So tempting to just let everything out. Almost as tempting as the urge had been to just give into that power that had been rushing through his veins, but it didn't have its hooks in quite so deep. Even right now he wanted to go out looking for that power. "Stopping the Empire, protecting people from them, that has to come first, before anything I might be feeling; some of the stuff I'm carrying around, it's stupid to be upset about at all. Besides, I came here to check on you, not to talk about me. I'm still replaying what happened, and next to that, I feel like an ass saying anything," he said at first, looking back to the sky. None of the clouds looked like anything, and the temptation to talk grew stronger and stronger. Even as he told himself he shouldn't sit here bothering her with his not-problems. "But... okay. Here's one. You ever have an argument where you just completely blew up, and realised only after the dust settled that you were wrong about almost everything? And that all you wanted afterwards was the door open, just a little, to start fixing things, even if it's going to take a while? That you just want the other person to give you a tiny chance to earn their trust back, prove yourself?" « Last Edit: Mar 4, 2016 8:16:49 GMT -6 by Aaron Silverman » Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 1:31:15 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top She was a little surprised by the sudden flow of things, but she had asked. She didn't seem irritated, even as her eyes began to trace the patterns in the sky. It was difficult for her to keep her eyes open, to focus on much of anything at all. "Yeah," she said with a shrug, even though she wasn't sure if it was the same concept. "Why? You upset somebody?" Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 1:41:01 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Yeah. Multiple somebodies, one more important. I just... lost it. I said things I don't know if I mean, and didn't know how to deal with what was being said back. The whole conversation shouldn't have even been a thing; I was put on the spot." He had looked away from her after a bit anyway, so he hadn't noticed her lack of focus, except to feel guiltier for taking her time with this. He had half a mind to cut the conversation off here and urge her to get some goddamn sleep, by the look of her. "Repairing everything, that would take a while; I'm fine with that. I just want the door open. Maybe I shouldn't care about this at all right now, but my heart's not made of stone, Leif. Wish it were sometimes, this job would be a lot easier." Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 8:49:54 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Yeah, and then you'd either be Amtrum or a bad guy." She snorted. "Well, or both. Still not sure he's on our side." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 13:16:19 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Just relax a little, alright? I don't need another Amtrum around here." "He is. But you're right." Though would being Mr. Amtrum be so bad? Aaron wasn't sure. He's so strong, and seemed like nothing could hurt him or get to him. But he'd lost so much to get that way. "I'm just tired of being hurt. And I feel selfish for feeling pain at all." « Last Edit: Feb 22, 2016 15:09:55 GMT -6 by Aaron Silverman » Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 22:16:47 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "What? Do you want to be inhuman? You'll never win the girl that way." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 22:57:59 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top He was silent for a long moment, thinking about that, and if Leif looked she would see him briefly go stiff. The sadness change, for a moment, to bitterness. Anger. He'd shown Sarah he's only human, and what had that gotten him? Betrayed, rejected, scorned, slapped in the face, while she followed Eric around like a lost puppy and acted like his shit didn't stink. Poor son of a bitch - the moment Eric showed her he wasn't perfect, showed her a hint of weakness, she was going to do the same to him, probably. Abandon him, treat him like he's nothing at all. Eric might have basically the power of God, but he'd slip up eventually, do something a tiny bit wrong, then... boom. ...And if that was what he really thought, why did his arm shake? Why did he care? Why was he still thinking about it? Why had Leif found him sobbing his eyes out, needing an acid trip to be anywhere near consolable? Why was there a bit of wet on his cheeks suddenly, before he brought up a hand and brushed it away like he was punching somebody in the face? Why had he just told her that all he wanted, the only thing he wanted, was for Sarah to open the door just a little? He stayed silent a bit longer, trying to keep the wall up enough for him not to look completely pathetic. And also, because he just didn't know what to say. Just as soon as it appeared, the moment of anger was gone. "Maybe not. I just wish I knew what I could do, and that this didn't hurt so much. It's ripping me apart even though I should be worried about so many other things before my own drama. I used to be better than this, used to think of everyone else before myself. Used to think before I shot off my damn mouth." Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 23:15:38 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Leif gave a bit of a shrug, unsure of what to say. "Sounds like you need to figure yourself out, man..." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 23:25:22 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "I've been trying to. I've fallen off track from the kind of guy I want to be and I've been trying to get back to that. But somehow I'm the bad guy for letting all this get to me, for being hurt, for being goddamn human." He did have to figure himself out. That was why he'd gone all hermit for a month. That was what he was trying to do. He sighed, shaking his head, and looked back to her, trying to look better than he felt. "Sorry, you've been through a hell of a lot worse lately, and here I am, babbling at you. You feeling any better? You look dead on your feet." Well, her back. Because she was laying in the grass. But still. Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 22, 2016 23:58:25 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "You seem to need to talk a helluva lot more than I do," she murmured, moving to rest one arm over her eyes. Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 0:07:19 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top So it seemed. But guilt still bit at him. How selfish was it to complain about his hurting heart to someone who'd just experienced their own agonising death? "Looks like I could've still picked a better time." She'd asked, she'd wanted to know, but she looked so tired. He actually lowered his voice when she rested her arm over her eyes, just so it would be less of a disturbance. "Meant it when I asked if you were doing better, though." Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 12:04:27 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "I'll be fine," she murmured, still blocking out the sun. "I'm always fine." Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 12:23:00 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Savaak said that too, and he didn't believe it then, either. He looked at her, sceptical, and saw how she was trying to shield her eyes. She really did look like death warmed over... no pun intended. "Want me to take care of the sun?" Which would sound like nonsense if she hadn't seen his command over darkness in action. Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 16:00:24 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Nah, man. It's all Gucci." She snickered, but it was mostly to herself. "Gucci" was her brother's word. "Look, Aaron. I'm glad you're worried about me. But really, it's whatever. We all deal with shit differently. I've had my fair share of boo-hoo'ing today but it isn't doing anybody any good. Not even myself. So why keep bothering?" Leif chuckled and turned her head to peer at him from under her arm. "Life's too short for all that jazz." Oh god. She really was turning into Neil. Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 18:17:39 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "Got a point there." And it might be a lot shorter soon. He had a feeling, heavy in his stomach, that he might not come back once they sent him to the battlefield - was that just dread of the chaos of battle, an actual premonition, simply wondering if he even wanted to survive the war? Who knew. His existence was probably redundant anyhow. The guilt wasn't gone, for sure. Him "boo-hooing" about all this, as she would put it, when she'd been through so much? He couldn't help but feel disgusted by it. Even though she'd asked, even though a caring voice and a listening ear were apparently all his sundered heart needed right now to pour out all its woes. Sure, it had been the drugs, but she'd still made him genuinely happy for the first time since he found out about what was being done behind his back. "Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad you're dealing with it okay." He had to respect her toughness, at the very least. Feeling his own death like that, how would he have taken it? Between that and his aching heart, would he even have been able to cope? Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 18:48:01 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "You gotta do what you gotta do. I'd make a pretty shotty soldier if I let this, of all things, keep me down." She continued to peer at him from under her arm. Back to Top   Biography ;; Gasoline Aaron Silverman Legend Defense ... [send pm] Joined: November 2014 Posts: 3,701 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 19:30:11 GMT -6 » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Most soldiers are indeed "kept down" by dying, to be fair. He only didn't say that because he was worried about it sounding like he was mocking her. Or throwing her experience right back in her face. If it were him, the day after he wouldn't appreciate comments about his own death, regardless of whether the reports of such were exaggerated. ...How many would show up to his funeral? Such a macabre thought. But his power was darkness, and there was that one great, all-powerful darkness even he couldn't control, that all things went into one day. The thought was chased away by a little involuntary smile at the idea of a soldier refusing to be "kept down" by death itself, though. "Takes a lot of strength to bounce back so fast, and to look at it that way. I've gotta respect that." She was bouncing back from her own horrible demise, brought on in part by himself, faster than he was recovering from his own drama. Back to Top   Some things are worth fighting for, some feelings never die... Leif Adamson Agent In the Land of Gods and Monsters. [send pm] Joined: January 2016 Gender: Posts: 925 Checkup (Leif) « Feb 23, 2016 21:57:26 GMT -6 via mobile » Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top "It's not all that fast," she murmured, voice growing distant and soft. 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